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Showing results for tags 'compersion'.
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This is from my own personal journal. I have been trying for a long time to try and get my thoughts about poly and swinging together but it's really still a jumbled mess. But I was really inspired to write about it from something I read today. I apologize ahead of time if any of this offends anyone. That wasn't my intent. It's just my own opinion and view about how these two intertwine in the LS community and our inner human nature. So, without further ado.... This has been on my mind for about a year and a half but I didn't quite know how to put it into words nor did I feel that I knew enough about the subject to write about. I still don't have that experience but I read something that got me thinking about it again so I figured I'd try to write about it...or at least get my ideas out. Swinging and Poly. It's like a big Venn diagram. Two circles that intersect in the middle. On one side is swinging and on the other side is poly. Some people who swing aren't poly. Some people who are poly don't swing (also, I guess that can be debatable about whether poly is a small subset of swinging). And some people are poly and swing. From what I've read on the forum, most swingers are NSA swingers. Some might venture to making swinger friends and play within a certain group. But if you mention poly, love, feelings...there seems to be an all out fear, rejection, distaste of even considering that kind of thing in the LS. And on the side of poly, I haven't really talked to, read the poly forums, but it sounds like something similar can also be said about them as well, in regards to swinging. They are more than willing to love and have feelings for multiple people but if you bring up the idea of NSA sex, they can also have the reaction of disgust and revilement. From my point of view...I don't get the fear and disgust. NSA sex is fun and different from time to time. I haven't really met one person yet who has "wowed" me on the first NSA swapping that we've done. So, if we happen to have the free time to go out a lot and get the lucky draw of the straw and swap a lot in the span of a few weeks, it's fun but it does get a little tiresome because it's not emotionally fulfilling. It's just different. However, I have had the pleasure of having sex with someone else other than Mr. Sun that I had feelings for and it was more than just fun. I wouldn't say it was fulfilling but it was a lot more enjoyable emotionally. But in terms of love and feelings, that's what I'm not sure I understand the "fear" I get from the forum. For me, swinging meant overcoming my jealous-insecurity-possessiveness of Mr. Sun. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid that if I "shared" him, that he would be whisked away. I was afraid that he wouldn't find me attractive anymore. I felt that he was mine. But this is counter-intuitive to our society of individualism. We don't own anyone. We choose to be with someone. It wasn't until I read someone say on the forum, "If they leave you, then why would you want to keep them? Why would you want to keep someone around that no longer wants you?" From that time on, I have tried to remember that. I want Mr. Sun to want to be with me because he wants to...not because he feels that he should. If he finds something better or is more happier, then why wouldn't I want him to go for that if I still loved him? If I keep him from that happiness, then he would feel resentment and anger and that doesn't help anyone or the relationship. If he found a new love but still loved me and wanted to maintain both, why would I want to keep him from bestowing more love onto another human being and receiving more love as well? There's this argument about how people "fall in love" with someone else because something else is missing in their first relationship and they need to fix that first. While I can understand the concern (perhaps the first relationship does need more help in communication/whatever) what if it truly is a case of "something missing" that the spouse can't provide? Maybe one spouse has a certain interest that the other doesn't care for. Maybe both have very different sexual capabilities and desires. If the husband likes football games but the wife couldn't care less about them, maybe he would be missing that part of having someone else be truly interested in football games. Maybe the husband likes anal play but the wife doesn't engage in it, after trying it for years she's still not interested, maybe that part is something that is missing. People like to use the food analogy with non-monogamy. You have your favorite dish (maybe it's lasagna). You love it so much you have it every night. Well...eventually, you do get a bit tired of it. It's still good and yummy but your taste palate wants to try something different every so often. So, maybe one night you'll have meat loaf or another night it's salmon on a cedar plank. But you go back to lasagna. That's like swinging, right? Well, you also can't get all of your nutrients from lasagna alone. Maybe lasagna paired with salad will be more of a balanced meal. So then now your body's needs is more complete with lasagna and salad every night. That's like poly. One person can't fulfill all of your physical, emotional, and sexual needs. With all of that said, I do believe that it's easy to fall in love. Staying in love is the hard part and takes work. And I understand that poly takes a lot of work between everyone involved, even if the two other spouses don't have feelings for each other (I believe this poly situation is a hinge). I guess I just don't understand the general fear of having feelings, love, and poly on the forum. In my mind, swingers are open enough with each other so share this "intimate" act with others. Yet, some aren't able or willing to open up more and share their hearts as well. -
Hi, I've lurked through the forums here for a while but never posted anything, but now I have something I need a little help with. Last week out of the blue my wife told me that she wants me to sleep with other women, then come home and tell her about it. She also told a good friend of her's she could "borrow" me because she hasn't had any good sex in a while. My wife says it's a big turn on for her, and I can tell she's not lying. She also says she thinks it would make me less jealous. She is a pathological flirt and it gets on my nerves sometimes because I am very jealous/insecure. She's been with other men (before we were married) and she is the only woman I've ever been with. Which doesn't bother me at all, however she thinks I should be with other women because she feels like she kept me from having fun, and that it would make our sex life better. I'm not sure what to do. I would never cheat on her or hurt her so I'm apprehensive about doing something like this. I'm afraid that she will change her mind and I would come home to her angry and upset and that it would ruin our marriage. I'm also afraid that she would want the same deal, which I told her I am not ok with. Is this a typical fantasy? I would never be ok with her going out, being with another man, then coming home to me. So I sort of think it's a double standard, and that's not fair. But I told her that up front and she says she doesn't care and doesn't want to be with another man. Does it sound like fun? Yes, I have a penis so of course it sounds fun. But it's not worth ruining our good relationship over. I'm just not sure what to do, and I don't understand her desire for this sort of thing.
