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Hi. We are new to the board and to the lifestyle. I have a question I hope to get an honest answer to. background: I started dating my wife when she was just out of high school. We've been married for 15 years now and the last couple our sex life has seemed a little stale. We have discussed the possibility of swinging. She has almost no experience other than with me. She wants to try a MFM and has said that she would like to try it with a guy who has a very large penis. Mine is fairly small. To be honest I was more enthusiastic about this whole idea before she started talking about penis sizes. I'm worried that she may find sex with me less interesting if she has sex with a guy who is very well endowed. I'd appreciate an honest answer. Am I making a mistake? Thanks in advance for your response. -
So after almost 2 years of my wife being in the lifestyle we ran across some bad experiences and more common than not couples where we aren't fully compatible. So we brought up the idea of solo play one evening and how it would work and if there were any "rules" other than communicating before hand. you know, the usual stuff that all normal couples discuss in the lifestyle. Well the next day my wife approaches me to tell me a few things. That she has a man that she is interested in playing with and that she has known him for over 10 years and before we met that they used to fuck regularly. She was single but he always had girlfriends that he could not stay faithful to. She had stayed in contact with him through social media and runs into him from time to time in public where he always asks if they are ever going to fuck again. She has always turned him down. This I know. But now that we have opened the door to solo play she would like to play with him because of familiarity and she feels safe. So after more discussion I agreed that it was okay. I would like to play solo as well but has not seemed to work out because the female either flakes out or doesn't believe that I have permission from the wife. The following week while she had the week off she texts me to say "He called me to see if I could come over is that alright?". I could not really refuse since I already signed off on the idea but did not expect it to happen so quickly. I feel like I had agreed to a situation where she wanted to see this man for a long time and it was just a matter getting me onboard or okay with it. They spent day together breakfast, then to his house until late in the afternoon. The idea of her being with someone else does not bother me. We've played numerous times with many couples. I have a few things that make me uneasy about this arrangement. I was first upset that it happened so quickly. I stated to her that I felt like she should have called me or talked about it before I left for work. It felt too convenient that he contacted her 5 minutes after I got to the office and a text to me felt very impersonal especially for our first encounter that was solo play. Additionally, he is not in the lifestyle. He has a girlfriend that is unaware of the situation. So he is cheating. As I said before they have known each other for over a decade and have had a casual sexual relationship in the past. Am I just being jealous that every time I am away from the house and they both have the same day off, which is every week, that they are spending the day together. We talked that solo play would only be a once a month thing and that we would sort of schedule it days ahead like a date. This felt like more of a booty call or that it was planned ahead of time without me knowing. And am I jealous that with my schedule solo play is difficult for me and that when I am home she is home too. So I would have to leave her home while I go on a date versus playing with someone while my wife is at work.
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We once received a swinger's letter from an elderly man (like 85 years old) who was "encouraging" his twenty-something mail order Filipino bride to swing with him. Anyway, we sent their pics back, said no thanks, and pretty much forgot about the deal until our phone began ringing at all hours of the day and night. We answered the phone two or three times, tried being polite but got cussed out for our trouble - "You people are discriminating against me because I'm old - I'm going to contact the magazine and tell them.....blah, blah, blah." Two weeks later, New Year's 1993 just before the clock struck twelve, the dude showed up unannounced on our doorstep with a twelve pack and a totally scared Filipino wife. Long story short, cops carted him off. Anyone else ever been totally freaked out by crazies ?
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I am very new to the swinging thing. My new wife on the other hand was a swinger for several years with her previous husband. For the first time she confided in me that she as a desire to have sex with another man by herself. She says it is a curiosity. I don't know how to handle this. I love my wife and want our marriage to work. Please help me to understand this better. We talked about it last night and this morning I feel worse than I did before we talked. I am ok with bringing in other couples to share and enjoy sexually but it seems selfish and wrong and not good for a loving relationship to just go and have sex with someone without your partner. I genuinely want to understand and be ok with this. HOW???? HELP!!!! -
So, I may have opened up a can of worms, I'm not sure yet...My husband and I have dabbled in going out solo here and there but only with established partners of couples we have played with. A few months ago he was approached by a female at his work who has flirted and shown interest (customer not coworker). He mentioned right away that he is married with kids, which eventually led to the, "I wish you weren't married." After a few encounters, and sharing with me, I told him to tell her about the LS and that he has his wife's consent to go out with no expectations except to feel it out and have fun. They went out. I ended up sending him a full hall pass halfway through his date. He was completely honest with her and explained our boundaries, and how we operate as a couple and he showed her the text. They ended going back to her place and had a great night. Awesome! They both had an amazing time and I was cool with it. Now for the tricky part...because she is not in the LS and had never really known anything about it, she is extremely vanilla and weirded out about the idea of meeting me. She doesn't want to feel judged, which I totally get. I definitely don't want to do that! I just want to meet her and have an honest conversation and to talk to her openly about separation of sex and friendship. I want to get a feel as to whether it is an ok idea to endorse them going on dates (they both want another) or whether this is going to turn into her creating more of a boyfriend experience. I'm not 100% comfortable with this idea, although I can't pinpoint why. I don't feel threatened or truly jealous, but I am worried about turning jealous because she sees him every day at work and brought him cookies, if that makes sense. (*fuck my husband all you want, but bringing him cookies makes me feel weird...ha, the irony!!!) Given everything I have shared, can you folks help me figure out risk/ reward here? Have you had similar experiences or concerns? How did you deal with it? A little bit about us: We have been in the LS for 3.5 years and still learning, but have been together over 20 years and have a solid and communicative relationship. We talk about EVERYTHING! (Aside from play by plays of fun...unless asked)
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Hi everyone, Im a 32 year old man. And Im happily married. Recently I started to seriously consider having a threesome with another lady to spice up our sex life. I happen to *KNOW* for a fact that my wife is very bi-curious which makes things even easier for us, but the thing Im really not sure about is whether my wife would eventually become gay or not. I really don’t want to jeopardize the marriage and have that door opened. Your advice is most appreciated. -
Just wondering how many have quit swinging due to STD concerns? -
Hi, so wife and I are comfortable with the swingers lifestyle but we have said that we are both ok with sleeping with people separately. However, we have come across a problem and I'm not sure if I'm the problem or if she is. My wife has been in the lifestyle for far longer than me and has a vast amount of experience. A while ago we went to a club and there she met the club manager and they started talking. After leaving the club they carried on chatting on a daily basis, and when I asked her what they where talking about she would say that they always talk about work or stuff friends would talk about. However last night i found out that they have been flirting with each other. Problem is when we started swinging we said that communication is the most important thing to keep us safe from any complications. I feel that we have to discuss and inform each other when we are talking or flirting with others and she feels that there is no need to inform me if she is flirting with others. Am I been unreasonable by asking her to tell me when she is flirting with guys and is it unreasonable for me to have gotten upset about her telling me they only talk about work stuff only to find out there is more involved?
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A question about "players" on the swinging scene... We know that swinging (for most people) is mostly about the sex and enjoyment, so with sex being obvious end goal we didn't really expect to be finding what one might call a "player" in the traditional dating sense of the term. Background on us, we have been exploring the swing scene for about 2-3 months with a soft swing our only direct experience. Have currant rule of only playing together & safe sex (condom with pen). Ms looking4fun was chatting on a swing chat site with a guy a who invites her to chat via skype, she agrees. Things proceed for a couple of days seemingly innocuous chat where he claims to be inexperienced and shy, but they seem to have a lot in common so they keep chatting. Then things turn a bit riskier. He admits he has had previous swing experience (contrary to the image he put forward earlier of being shy and inexperienced) where he played solo with a female a couple of times before her partner joined as well. He then prompts ms looking4fun that he would like to play alone with her as he would feel awkward playing as a threesome if he hadn't had sex with her as couple first (knowing we only play together). Later protection comes up. She says our condoms-only rule and he states he doesn't like condoms, they always break etc. and it would be so sexy to cum inside her without one. This has got my alarm bells going a bit. While I still think it might be worth meeting him in person with the possibility of a threesome kept in place if he agrees with our rules, I'm not 100% certain how to handle his attempted manipulation.
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After much discussion we are getting closer to making a move into making our fantasy, a reality. She has agreed to meet with another couple or a single guy. The problem now is me. I am so nervous on adult sites sharing face pictures. We have plenty of sexy pictures but nothing with faces. When we get to that point I get nervous. Being online you don't know who you are getting involved with. My worry would be that a person could turn into a stalker or worse. I know most swingers sound like amazing laid back people like us but the online crazies are slowing our jump. Any suggestions for getting over this or ways to vet better?
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Hi all, So my wife and I started playing about 4 months ago. It’s been a lot of fun, with of course the usual ups and downs. So far we have been involved in almost exclusively MFM situations. It seems to be a lot harder finding 4 people that click versus 3. Our very first experience was with another couple where we both liked him but she really did not hit it off with the other woman. So, we’ve hit more of a sweet spot, at least for now going the MFM route. We’ve also had a couple of guys that we both really liked that have failed to come back after the first or second “date”. We are really looking for a long-term FWB that we can rely on. With all this being said, we’ve recently found a guy that we both really like. BTW, I’m straight. He fits our needs from a conversational perspective, and we also like his body and sexual prowess. Here is where I’m having a bit of a dilemma. The wife is really into him and has recently told me, something I already knew, that one of her fantasies is doing him without me knowing before hand. She has agreed, and she’s never lied to me, that she would not do it without my permission. However, part of the kink is not telling me before and me only finding out afterwards. She’s also agreed to tape the entire thing for me as I really get off on watching. So a little bit of my dilemma is that I find it really freaking hot, as I like all kinds of kink, and I know he would send her back very satisfied. However, I can’t help but be a little jealous that she desires doing it without me. It’s not a big deal for her if I say no, but I also care enough that knowing that is her fantasy urges me to want to comply. Does anyone with so much more experience than me have any advice or POV?
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My wife recently returned from opening up our marriage for the first time. It was with a man she met on a recent trip overseas. We talked about it and planned her return trip for months. He sent her any documents she requested and had no problem talking to me if I wanted to. We agreed to split the costs for the trip. We established clear boundaries and communication expectations. They spent an entire week together and used most of the condoms my wife and I bought for the trip. Only once did the condom break but since we use script birth control, we are not concerned as he gave her proof of being std free. She's still concerned and wants to get tested before we have sex bareback again. We still haven't had sex since she returned. About the experience This was also my very White wife's first time having sex with a Black man. She's 42, her lover's 47. Let's just say she loved her first time having a Black lover. Her orgasms were beyond intense seeing his BBC slip inside of her. His, too as it was his first interracial relationship, too. He was also much more dominant and assertive during sex with my wife and was able to take her from behind and bring her to climax which is very hard to do. I'm much more chill during sex and like her to take the lead. She's okay but much prefers his style. The only issue from the trip was that one time the condom came off during sex and they didn't notice until it was too late. My wife's a little nervous and is being tested asap, at least for any stds. Since she returned, we haven't had time to connect sexually due to jet lag, kids, and work. She said it was a really great liberating experience overall. My wife still keeps in touch with him even though they both agreed it was mainly about sex, not a relationship. There seems to be plenty of NRE. What is the reality from the group here when a married White wife not only has her first swinging experience but with a Black man for the first time, too. So many firsts! Should I be concerned about anything or is this natural and normal for my wife to want him again so quickly after her first time opening up our marriage? Or is it also being with a Black man who by her own words was so amazing and incredible? Or is it just NRE with her new lover? They definitely have some emotional attachment after being together for an entire week 24/7. Lots of sex, kissing,and travel together. From what she said, their mutual attraction has little to do with race and more to do with just a visceral physical and emotional connection. We agreed not to share social media messages or emails between my wife and her lover unless she wants to. We also talked about swinging once she returned but she has already talked about going back to see him in Europe next year. They still keep in touch and talk after the trip. Does this sound like a poly relationship developing or just NRE from the long swinging adventure? Thanks for the advice and please reply on or offline. -
The wife and I are interested in swinging but we have a big concern about STD's. Being more open sounds great but not at the cost of personal health. Any good advice on this topic?
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My wife and I are just starting into this. We might be overthinking every step before we make it, but I'd rather do that than not think something through enough. Plus the conversations that come from it feel like they're doing good things for our relationship, and I KNOW they're doing great things for our sex life! In my reading, it seems like there are concerns from some more experienced swingers about playing with an inexperienced couple like us. I can't worry about someone else's hang-ups, but don't want people put off simply because we're newbies. The concerns I've seen brought up include couples only being curious but not actually sure they're truly interested, or flaking out, up to one partner being apparently uninterested in the lifestyle. Sure, we're new, we're a little nervous (the wife prefers to say anxious), and will want to start a little slowly with our first partners, but we are definitely in. So, the question then is: is there something you look for in a profile, or when meeting a couple, that would give a green flag, even though the couple are very new?
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So what is everyone's take on safety when playing away from your partner? The topic of safety was brought up in the Do you prefer same or separate rooms when playing, and why? thread, and I thought it deserved a thread of its own. As I mentioned in my reply, I don't think I've ever really been worried about my safety. Mr. intuition and I don't play separately - as in, we don't go on separate playdates. We always play together; we have not yet explored the separate-play option, as I'm not sure it's our thing. So because we are always on the same premises with one another while play is going on, I have never really felt myself to be in danger. The assholes who would do me harm are weeded out long before anyone gets beyond the bedroom door anyway. We have never attended a house party of any size, nor have we played at clubs. I suppose this does bring with it added concerns due to the size of the venue and that you don't know everyone there. I'm not that concerned with Mr. intuition's safety, because he's a pretty big guy and can take care of himself. Although I have heard some horror stories about psycho couples who have drugged the husband to "get him out of the way" so they could have their way with his Rohypnol-loaded wife. Yes, I guess that does concern me a little. But just like anything in life, trust is one thing, but that doesn't mean you should ignore obvious warning signs. Awareness is part of being responsible. As for myself, I'm not that worried either, even if somebody did try getting a little pushy with me. I'm not exactly petite, and if you think you're going to try some alpha male bullshit with me, buddy, you'll get the fuck off me if you value you nutsack. Because God help you if I get a hold of that thing. I've never been sexually assaulted, so I find this deep-seated rage confusing. I don't know where it comes from, but the idea of someone trying to take liberties with my person without my say so - just because they think they can get away with it - makes me afraid...for them. I'm quite serious. I am not naturally a violent person, so I'm actually very disturbed by the unholy desire I have to do bodily harm to assholes like this. I've never really been afraid for my own safety; just for theirs. What are your safety concerns? Have you had any bad experiences in this? -
:HELP: From all the things I have read about swinging, it seems as though it is always the husband who wants to swing and is trying to persuade his wife to join him. In my case it has turned out just the opposite. As I may have posted before, my DH suffers from complete erectile dysfunction as a result of medical conditions and required medications. For the past few years our sex life has consisted mostly of him performing oral sex on me which is good but not completely satisfying. DH knows I was very promiscuous when I was single, and I suspect that was something he once found very intriguing about me. Around a year ago we were confessing our fantasies and I admitted one of mine was to have vigorous interracial sex with a good-looking, muscled and virile black man like some of the XXX videos I have seen. He said he realized how much I must miss PIV sex and that his pet fantasy was always to watch me having sex with another man, preferably one that did not pose a love-interest threat. Assuming I would not be highly likely to become possessively and romantically attached to an African-American man, especially if I were to experience swinging in an interracial threesome, the idea seemed so exciting and non-threatening he joined a kinky interracial sex group that facilitates, among other things, interracial cuckolding, which is what he seemed to want at the time. As an uninhibited exhibitionist (who often thought I would have made a good porn actress) I became very excited about trying this. We have had some delays in carrying this out because of his medical issues, but it is still something I want very badly to get into and now, without any definite explanation, he seems to be dragging his feet. I would really appreciate any helpful comments or suggestions from anyone about persuading a reluctant husband.
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Hello! My name is Ashley and I'm new around here. Hubby and I are not swingers yet, but we did discuss it. It was actually my idea and I though he'd jump at the opportunity, but he didn't quite do so. He said he understands 100% why I want to try swinging and admitted that he finds it a nice idea in theory. He said he is confident in our relationship and feels very secure with me. It wasn't me so much that concerned him as much as how he believes men are treated in the lifestyle. Apparently he knows a couple that used to swing and the male half told him that all swinging eventually boils down to the women have sex with each other and maybe a select few men. The other married men basically stand around playing with themselves and are treated as if its a privilege that they are even allowed to be there. The friend told him that the women get so close and free with each other that eventually they prefer other women over the men. He said even the most considerate guys get swept aside. The couple hubby knows is still together, but they stopped swinging since it became too much of an emotional chore. Hubby said he would feel pathetic playing with himself and he doesn't care to watch me have sex with another woman (weird I know) for eye candy. The other women aren't exactly my reason for wanting to swing although I would be open to the experience if it happened. We discussed that and he said he understands my feelings on the matter. He also admitted he was a bit worried that I might find I prefer women to men if I try it although he wouldn't hold me back because of that. Hubby ultimately said if I want to swing on my own he would support that. I felt my love for him explode to new heights that he trusted me so much but at the same time I was so bummed he didn't want to partake too! He felt I would probably have a more fruitful experience without him anyway since 4 way chemistry is hard to come by and no one should have to "take one for the team." He also said it would ruin the experience for me if I knew he was getting sidelined as that happened to his friend. Has what I described happened to any of the guys out there? How did you deal with it? How did the ladies handle it? -
What are the words/statements in profiles that throw up a red flag to you, and why? The things where once you see them you just close the profile out and move on to someone else. My #1 is "we only play in our own race" - more often than not if they feel the need to state it this way (or often at all) there is a racist component to their personalities (this may be a bigger issue in the deep south). Drama-free = The likelihood of bringing drama is a good bit higher if you feel the need to describe yourself this way. I won't automatically close out at this statement, but if the profile is rather short and this is included, I'm going to take a pass with a feeling that you lack the maturity we would want to move forward. Anything that let's us know that they are really just looking for a female to be their third (but they'd settle for a couple) - It's a sure sign that they have no desire to include my husband.
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I am new here and have done some searching, however I can't find what I am looking for. The Mr. and I have done some extensive talking about moving forward into the lifestyle, which I am all for, but have some reservations. Previous in our marriage we were having some communication issues which lead to an affair on his part. For the most part I have been able to forgive him but the more we talk about moving forward with this, the more reservations I have. I am wondering if the feelings of jealousy and reserve are normal. Is there any advice some more experienced have that they would be willing to share? This lifestyle is very much something I want to experience with the Mr., but don't want to have a disaster in the end. Thanks. -
Hello! This is Christy, my hubby is Allen. We have recently joined the board, and I am glad we did. We have been reading alot of the faq's and other threads. And I have read through the posts that Allen made. Thanks to all of you! I am learning so much. I am looking for advice from the women on here. Allen and I discussed this so much, me being with other men. It took me a long time to really accept his sincerity about it, that he really wanted this for me, for us. At first, I was suspicious that it might be a "tit-for-tat" thing, I play he plays. But over time, his sincerity was evident and I am know now that me playing is what he wants, and in no way obligates me to reciprocate. That is a tremendous sense of freedom to me, and is the main reason why I am now really wanting to pursue this. BTW - not that I would never let him play, in the future, if we get to that place. But for now, as we begin, I need the freedom of knowing it is limited to me with others right now. And, Allen wants this too. There is one thing that still concerns me. We are so into this right now, but I wonder what emotions and feelings we may deal with afterward, things we don't even know are there yet. We have discussed it so much, and I feel we are secure and ready. But I was wondering if any of you had any unexpected issues after the first time? Also, ladies, how do you enjoy the sex with other men while ensuring that hubby remains secure and not threatened? How do you give yourself the freedom to let go and enjoy each experience to the max without your response and actions making hubby feel insecure? Just really wondering about this. One last question - what has been the positive effects on you and your marriage by having sex with other men? How does it make you feel about yourself, about your hubby, about your marriage? Right now, I feel so grateful and secure with Allen for leading me to explore doing this for real. Can't wait to hear the responses. Christy
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Is there anything in the lifestyle that worries or scares you?
Guest posted a topic in Polls & Never-Ending Threads
Is there anything in the lifestyle that worries or scares you? -
My wife and I are 30 and have only ever had sex with each other. We are embarking on our tenth anniversary this year and are both ready to explore our sexuality with others. For two years we have discussed in lengthy conversations what we are looking for. It's been trial and error with emailing, responding to ads etc to find what we want and are most comfortable with. It's taken us a long time and tons of talking to finally agree to what we want and are comfortable with. We decided we want to try a threesome with another man as our very first experience together. My wife's concern is of losing something special between one another being virgins when we both met and married. We are hoping to hear from other similar people out there. I'm not sure how unusual this circumstance is or if there is an easy way to address it. We both are very serious about wanting the experience but this is the biggest obstacle. Secondly, we have friends who swing. We don't swing with them because we are so close. They are grossed out with our selection for a sexual partner because of his age. He is in his late fifties. We have gotten to know this particular gentleman over a year now and feel very trusting and comfortable with him. He has been patient, caring and understanding. To be honest, my wife and I have sifted through dozens and dozens of men and there really isn't anyone else who is as caring, patient and understanding of boundaries who my wife and I are able to agree upon. Obviously we aren't overly concerned with looks but want a decent enough man to share this first with. Most of the men responding to ads we placed were obsessed with just sex and seemed the type to disrespect women. Is it odd to have a threesome with a man twice your age? Thanks for the help.
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Hey guys, We're new to this whole swinging thing and haven't gotten started yet. The one thing that really bugs me is safety! Obviously condoms for intercourse are a given. I read an article the other day about how rampant mouth/throat cancer has become because of HPV transmitted through oral sex. Oral sex with condoms is just about worse than no oral sex at all! Don't know what to do... how do you all handle safety?! Thanks!
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Well first off I'll tell you a little about ourselves. We have been married 12 yrs together 15 and have, what I consider, a very strong loving committed relationship. For the past couple of years or so we have talked/fantasied about swinging up to the point where we both agreed to attend an on premise club which we had planned for the end of this month. My wife had been excited but very nervous about this, as you would expect. We had set our boundaries that we wouldn't swap but have fun with each other etc. As far as I was concerned we had communicated well and I was very honest with her. Now last Friday night after too much wine (imo) she bought the subject up and asked about the cost of the club etc at which I explained that we pay a fee for the night and if we wished to return we would pay the difference for the membership fee, now this is where her real concerns came out! She said that she was worried where this would lead as she had in her head it would be a 'one off' at which point I said "well if we have fun and enjoyed ourselves we could return". She then said that she was worried that if we made this a regular thing that we would end up swapping, to which I said we will only do what both of us are happy with. Well that's when things took a turn for the worst. She admitted to me that she was scared that she would be the one that would push the boundaries, as she's a very sexual woman and would really enjoy male attention, and knowing that I have fantasies of seeing her with another man, may do something she would regret! She said that if that happened it would 'spoil' our marriage and after I said that I would be there and would stop her doing something she said that I might not because of my fantasy. She also said that if anything happened she wouldn't feel 'precious' to me anymore and became very emotional. I reassured her, told her how much I loved her, how she would always be 'precious' to me and said that we won't go to the club as I didn't think the timing was right. I feel like 2 years of talking and this never came up until we 'booked' the date was wasted; however I'm glad it did before we ventured any further. What can I do now? As I personally see this as she's having moral issues and is concerned about her own self control. Should we just give up on the idea?
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Ok. So I'm pretty vanilla. My husband has brought up the LS. I've been reading this forum in hopes of gaining insight and understanding. My thought at the moment is how will our bedroom life be after the big step into the Lifestyle? I've read that many of you are with your "playmates" on a few occasions. I fear that once we step into the lifestyle that our personal bedroom life will feel like it's lacking and we may never be able to completely satisfy each other alone. I know we are not ready to begin the lifestyle. I know I need to work on being more sexually open. I don't masturbate, I don't watch porn. I was raised with no discussion of sex. Anything sexual or provocative was viewed as negative and dirty. Honestly I haven't allowed myself to enjoy oral sex (giving or receiving) until recently. My husband has been patient and wonderful in our nine years of marriage. I'd like to eventually be comfortable enough with sex in general to perhaps venture into his fantasy. I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. That's the first step, right? He'd like to bring me to a strip club (he goes with some friends and I sometimes get insecure about him bring there).
