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I would like to hear people's ideas/comments/experiences on the subject of "married" (unmarried, but LTR committed counts) couples that "decide" (no cheating spouses here) to have/try the "open marriage" concept. This should include ALL types of sexual preferences and combinations be it 1 on 1, threesome, group/orgy, gangbang, same sex, mixed sexes, etc. Don't count "cyber/penpal" only direct encounters. I define an "open marriage" as when: One or both "spouses" are "free" to have "casual" (not considering "poly" relationships here - future thread) sexual interactions (not just sex & includes fetish encounters) with partners they: Individually choose (i.e. not mutually chosen) OR Choose jointly, but decide individually when. (I don't count "occasional" times when one "spouse" decides to "opt-out" of playing but "let's" their spouse still play. Key word here is "occasionally". Suggestions of areas to include in your posts are: Break this out into voyeur and non-voyeur non-playing "spouses" as a voyeur spouse has "some vested interest in the activities. Please make a distinction between playing "solo" and "mutual separate nights out" be it concurrent or alternate days (i.e. couples with children where one watches with the kids or without but doesn't play the same day). I would also like to make a distinction between: "swinging" couples that "occasionally" play either in separate rooms with unrelated partners or have a "yearly" solo sexual encounters AND couples that make a regular occurrence (over an extended period of time) in addition to sex just the two of them. Don't count a "yearly week long fling" i.e. (couples that have an annual sexual vacation apart at Hedo for example). Please make a distinction between couples that have one or both spouses that are "professionals" (i.e. sexual interactions are part of their livelihood (i.e. strippers/porn/prostitutes) and non-pros (all others). Sincerely, Paul & Kalin
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Just when I thought I had it figured out, I get myself into a situation that changes my previous thinking. Sunbuckus previously posted a thread here about what is cheating and what is cuckolding and I responded. Well, I may have to change that response, as I encountered a situation that is very similar to the hypothetical situation posed by Sun. I have a single friend with benefits who was introduced to my husband and me through another swinger friend. We played with him twice in a mmf situation but my husband wasn't really into because the friend is not bi. But Mr. A lets me play with him separately if I want and because Mr. A has been away a lot on business the past half a year, I play with the friend...a lot. Although Mr. A never asked, I always let him know ahead of time if I am going to swing without him, whether it's with this friend or with someone else. So Mr. A left town on Saturday, and on Sunday I ran into the friend at Bed Bath and Beyond, of all places. Cutting to the chase, I really missed having sex with the friend that he came home with me (a short 5 min drive) and we had some amazing sex, and in my delirium, I let the friend play without a condom and cum inside me. Everything was so spontaneous, and I felt really bad that I didn't tell Mr. A beforehand, although he has said I can go play with the friend anytime. So I called Mr. A that night and told him everything (he was out of town for business again) . To my relief, Mr. A wasn't angry or upset at all. In fact, he said he was turned on and wanted to watch our next session in person. Even though we do a lot of cuckold roleplay, this surprised me. So now I still feel guilty about that spontaneous get-together even though Mr. A was not upset. A girl just can't win. I don't know if it's cheating in this situation? What do you all think? I am relieved but can't get over my own guilt. And I can't get over that it'd feel very weird for me to have Mr. A in the same room watching the friend and I do our thing. We have been in countless cuckold fantasies but this one just feels different. I am scared how Mr. A would react to it all, since this is not a fantasy he plans out. I told the friend that my husband wants to watch and he's fine with it, so I am the only one having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this? -
Ok, so I've been on here all of like 24 hours, but y'all seem really nice and supportive. So I thought I'd bend your ear(s). My wife and I just started an open relationship. I've thought this whole thing through a lot (see my other posts), and I'm sure we are making the right decision for us. But I also know that this is a big paradigm shift in our relationship, and our lives in general. I've been around long enough to know that it takes time to accomodate change. I already went through one period of "shock/ mourning/ 12 steps/ whatever" when we first decided to go ahead. After patiently letting it sit for about ten days, until the initial weird "everything has changed" feeling went away, I took charge of the situation and joined some sites like this one. Making the whole thing "mine" really helped. My wife was in no hurry to find someone, and she is VERY picky (part of the reason we swing separately), so I had figured I would probably be the first one to "get some a**," as she so delicately put it. That was my plan for easing into the next stage of the process. I believe that the real hangup for most guys is the feeling that you own your wife's body... I figured if I made the first move, establishing that she doesn't own my body, some of that might be abated. And yes, we did consider a couples meeting to ease into it (not that I think that would necessarily help). However, plans got changed because of scheduling, and I wanted her to take a very good opportunity while she could. So, rather abruptly, she's leaving tomorrow for her first "date." Apart from some minor irritation that she finalized her schedule before confirming that I was free this weekend to babysit, that was cool with me. So, I'm not sure what to expect this weekend. I'm stuck at home: can't play at the house, so even if I had a local prospect, that would be out. I'm going to make sure I exercise and eat properly, meditate (my little secret weapon), and get as much rest as I can. During the day, it's daddy time, so I am covered, but at night, it'll be just me, myself, and I. I am pretty much expecting more of the whole "shock/ mourning/ 12 steps/ everything has changed" thing again. I am a bit of a stewer, and I DON'T want to get myself worked up being obsessive about what is "going on." Maybe I'm just being silly... I'm a big boy, and I have thought this through ALOT. I am sure I should just trust myself. On the other hand, I caught myself being a little testy after the whole making-plans-without-checking-the-actual-dates-with-me thing. I was probably also feeling a teensy bit jealous because she gets to go off and have fun and I don't. Or that she stayed up late chatting with the guy last night rather than going to bed with me when I expressed an interest in having sex. And apparently she hadn't really caught the fact that I was going to be gone all day and part of the night tonight, so I wouldn't really see her at all after that. I didn't make a big deal out of it, because I had already decided that I was going to let it all go for now. She was a little inconsiderate, but she's acting like a teenager, and teenagers do that. She's been a little defensive about it so far, so I suspect she's got some emotional stuff going on too. I'll bring up maturity and consideration with her later, but I don't want to rain on her parade right now, and I don't want it to turn into a huge guilt-trip. Ok, folks, please don't read too much into that. I'm trying to be honest here... These are little things: if I thought jealousy would be a real problem, I'd have called all this off. What worries me is that I just don't want this to turn into a bad experience for me. I don't want to carry those tiny little issues through the weekend, and blow them all out of proportion by obsessing over them. And I really want her to enjoy every part of her weekend. If she comes home and finds me unhappy, or senses hesitation or weirdness, then next time she plays she will spend more time worrying about how I am than having a good time. Or worse, feel guilty about the whole thing. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Apart from masturbation, of course.
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To make a long story short...my wife and I considered swinging as a couple, my wife felt more comfortable "swinging" alone, ie. having more of an "open marriage". It was a bit of a stretch for me, but I said "OK, as long as we keep it all fair to each other." She's already had her first encounter with her cyber-BF, I'm still working to have my first encounter. (And yes, I know the open marriage approach works against me as far as sex goes, but works for me in terms of relationships with women....there's exposure on both sides, and I realize that.) She has lined up her second encounter already. Tonight we had an argument because she felt like I implied she'd already had an encounter to the female friend that I was pursuing (she's already discussed this female friend with her cyber-BF), and I told her that she needs to just cancel this second encounter until I've had my first. (I won't tell you what she said to that, but it was actually quite hurtful to me.) So, is this fair? In "conventional" swinging, you obviously don't have these kinds of issues...either you both play or neither play. We agreed in writing to be totally fair to each other and help each other line up encounters. She IS working to help me. I originally said "yes, go ahead with the 2nd encounter" because I truly want her to enjoy this and get what she wants and needs out of it, and I saw her working for me too. Now I'm questioning whether that was a good decision after her response to me about telling her I think she should cancel her 2nd encounter. Here's my main question: Is it fair for me to ask her to wait for me, or no? Post your thoughts please.
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This looks interesting, though I’m not sure this NY Times review of “ThereIs No ‘I’ In Threesome” will persuademe to add HBO Maxto my existing HBO subscription. (Of course Kathy and I love New Zealand, so the adventures of this Kiwi couple could persuade me to upgrade our subscription...☺️ ) https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/11/movies/there-is-no-i-in-threesome-review.html?surface=most-popular&fellback=false&req_id=466556926&algo=bandit-all-surfaces&variant=1_bandit-all-surfaces_daysback_4&imp_id=829023391&action=click&module=Most Popular&pgtype=Homepage -
We have done threesomes with a good black bud of ours and I have let my wife be with him now alone several times. I always find this exciting, but what I find more exciting is the idea that she gives herself totally to him during sex with making out, and love-making. They played last night and she let herself loose with him and she said she loved it and loves to have sex with him a lot. We're secure in our relationship and our Bud is way cool and not looking to steal her from me so no worries there. It just excites me like nothing before to have her be made love to from another man on a regular basis, and even spend the night with him. It totally turns me on while I'm making love to her when she tells me how much she loves what he does to her, describing some things in detail. Am I the only guy that's like this?
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Hi all! We’re going on a cruise soon and would like to meet some other fun couples or possibly just a man. Unfortunately it’s not a lifestyle cruise and so there’s no obvious way to meet other fun couples. Do the hotwife or swinging anklets really work to find other couples into the lifestyle? If not, any other tips to find people in open marriages please? Thanks for the help and happy holidays ?. -
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I have always had an interest in the human definition, just who are we? What drives us? Who actually defines us? I know I was never asked....or given the questionnaire. As always it is those not living how others are or maintain power or try to be that desperately try to define all of us into a box. I’ve always been curious, always asking why because the bottles, jars and boxes we all get shoved into never hold true. My take away? Humans are: Curious Adventurous Emotional Highly social Desire acceptance Absolute need for contact, touch Emotional connection, attachment Happiness.... ....collectively we want to be happy. We want at the end of our efforts, happiness. So with that in mind why the imposed monogamy question? Maybe a better question is why the varying definitions to adapt to the wide variety of cultures, beliefs countries when in fact we were not made to be mono anything since the beginning of time without being taught, threatened and social outcasts for not taking part in the norm. Mate sharing, spouse sharing and combined expanded family arrangements have been around since before history. The last 2,000 years monogamy, authority of the one, singular, grew but always had the old ways nipping at its heals. In my readings I recently came across an interesting article, below: Why Monogamy Isn't The death of compulsory monogamy and viewing monogamy as only a social good Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CASA, CSE The Polyamorists Next Door https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201508/why-monogamy-isnt As most everyone in this group lives or wants to live a less than monogamous lifestyle you might find it an interesting read. -
Hi all, Thanks for reading this post. As this has almost caused, and still may result in my wife and I divorcing, I am hoping to find some good answers with you experts, from education and experience, here on the forum. Ever since we were engaged, I have been turned on by the idea of having another guy have sex with my fiancee/wife, mainly watching to two of them and even taking some pictures or video. As you probably know what's coming next, my wife has ranged from ambivalent to outright saying no to actually considering it while we were having sexual problems over the past ten plus years. We rarely have sex and this is mainly due to sexual trauma on my part. I thought it would be a great short or even long term solution to having her sexual needs met while I worked on my trauma in therapy. However, while the cause of my trauma has been greatly reduced and in many ways totally healed, I still have this desire to see my wife with another man, especially an aggressive assertive even DOM. Due to my sexual issues, I have a very hard, pun intended, time being on top and assertive with both my needs and in taking charge during sex, which is what my wife wants. We've tried years of therapy that has not solved the problem and actually left both of us frustrated on many levels from sex to just our daily lives as a married couple. I tried a few times to add another guy and let's just say the results have been less than successful, once resulting in a separation for several months. I'm really not sure where this desire to see my wife with another man comes from but it has nothing, so far as I can tell, from my personal sexual experiences or trauma from childhood and my therapists have also come to the same conclusion. The desire is so strong that I become erect almost instantly when thinking about my wife having sex with another man or reading some of the stories here about swinging wives. Whatever the reason, it's very strong and I would have no hesitation if she wanted to meet another guy tomorrow so long as it didn't affect our marriage or end our sex life, as pathetic as it is. Ideally, it would improve our sex life and for sure leave her sexually satisfied knowing that if I can't please her and bring her to orgasm, she has other options that are safe for her and not secretive. I do want her other lover to cum inside my wife while I watch or find out afterwards. Any and all advice, on and offline, is greatly appreciated. I sense at this point after many years of false starts and very very little sex, she is just about open to anything including divorce but if bringing in another man can prevent that for both our sake and our children, that would be ideal. Thanks so much. P.S. There's no real cuckold desire to this because I still want to have regular sex with my wife once I can engage in sexual intercourse regularly but would be fine with a long term lover or more if I can't ever heal from my sexual trauma so I can please my wife sexually on a regular basis.
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Forget the long-ass article in the NY Times, the America's Finest News Source again sums up nicely a complex topic: https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-open-relationships-1823614676 -
Nonsexywife posted a similar problem that my wife and I have. The only difference is that she posted about her instead of me posting about us. I'm the husband posting. My wife and I have played with others off and on for about 2 years now. My wife is beautiful, curvy and when we first started dating, sex was an every night thing. We married and along with that and mixing two families, divorce problems with my ex, child custody issues with my ex and her work and some health issues, her drive is gone. She knows and has acknowledged that I have a higher drive than she does. There have been times that I questioned what I had done because she just had no desire for us to be intimate having set aside the swinging part. She has suggested on more than two occasions that I find a female to release my frustrations with. I don't really want this. I want my wife. I told her when we started this, I would never cheat on her and we would always play together. I feel as though even though she is giving me permission, it's still cheating. My second concern is this. I worry that IF I were to find another woman to play with that my wife would not want to have sex with me any at all making the situation worse. I have asked her this and her response is "I don't know how I would feel." So can you see my hesitation here? She has been cheated on in past relationships, bad and that is one thing I have never done even with my first wife. It's something I feel very strongly about. When we do have sex, it's mind blowing. She is very orgasmic, loves anal, toys and bedroom talk. She even talks about us finding her a man with a big cock to fill her up while I watch her and it sets her off. It's getting her "started". Hell, she has even offered to lay there and let me get it and get off but I care so much about her that I want her to enjoy it as well and I get upset when she doesn't. I beg to eat her out so I don't understand this. I'm not asking her to do anything kinky or get on top or anything that would tire her out. I don't know what to do. There are times like this week that she's been more open to sex and toys and even let me use a plug in her ass and said "I need my ass fucked more often". which I immediately replied, "well, I can help you with that" but last night I was on my own with her playing with my nipples. Any suggestions?
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This relationship expert talks about swingers/polys/etc. desperately trying to "sell" their brand of marriage to validate a lifestyle they know in their innermost soul...is just wrong. You can read all about it in section 2 of her book, Dr. Karen's Marriage Manual. Signed copies are available if you purchase directly through her website. HOLD me back, people. I've got a whopper of a post on stand-by and I'm going to sleep on it before unleashing hell. Holy shit. I just checked the word count. Gonna have to pare that down a little... Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, Swinging- A Relationship Expert's View -
Hi, I am new here. I need some advice from the group. Me and my wife have been in an open marriage for 10 years. Everything has always been good. We have good communication, sex, etc. In the beginning we decided that each of us should have one long-term friend who we are attracted to. OK. She has now had a long-term friend going on 5 years and I am cool with it. They hang out sometimes, text, talk on the phone, and sometimes chill. But when I meet someone who I find attractive and try the same things, I always get a bad vibe from my wife. Or, she brings up that we have issues building up and that I need to focus more on her. But as long as I do not have a friend, our world is perfect. Guys...Could you help me figure out if I am reading to much into this? Or does my wife really not want me to have a friend?
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I'm not sure if I want to get involved with a open marriage. I think I would prefer swinging. Do you have any input?
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This is not a poll; just a question. Do you think that open marriage is more likely to work for a couple in mid-life (or even older)?
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Words, words, words; talk, talk talk. I am beginning to believe that my wife and I get along better if we try not to classify ourselves. But what are we going to do. Sometimes friends and prospective friends want to know. And how do we tell them without writing a book. We fall back onto the well-worn but often-misunderstood two-word descriptions. What do these suggest to you? * swing separately * open marriage
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My wife and I have been discussing the prospect of having an open marriage for about a year now, and we feel we'd really like to start diving in and exploring some of our fantasies. We've got our boundaries set up; condoms, no sex at home, always come home at night, open communication, and of course full veto power for both of us. My wife wants to explore her bisexual side, and I'm always looking for new sexual experiences. I'm not sure if these forums are the best place to ask questions, since we are not currently looking for couple swapping at the moment though we have talked about it maybe looking into it in the future. We are looking to start with a MFF threesome, since it seemed after reading some of these forums it seemed that the best way to start would be something we shared as a couple. One of the biggest hurdles we currently face though is we are both extreme introverts. We are open enough with each other that it's difficult to put on the masks that you have to use to deal with other people. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this particular problem? Thank you for reading this and thanks in advance for any advice offered.
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If a husband (or wife) sits home while his/her spouse goes out and gets laid, is this a part of swinging? Why?
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Hi everyone I have what I believe is kind of a problem. We have had an open marriage for some time but not really very active given life, a child, etc. You get the picture. My husband is a musician, which has entailed going on the road at times, and I have also acknowledged the possibility that he might meet someone and have sex with them, and I'm cool with that. I also am allowed such a option to "date" a man or woman outside of our relationship. However, we had never ever talked about "swinging" with a couple, separately. Earlier this year I was in Las Vegas. While I was gone he "assumed" I must have done something, so he went out to dinner one night and randomly met some couple. Went home with them, fucked the dude's wife, and the only way I found out about it was because his brother had called me because he never showed up to a rehearsal! He had overslept at their place, was a couple of hours late to that rehearsal, etc. When I called him to find out what had happened I got the runaround. Then of course, it all came out when I got home. I was, frankly, livid. The thing is, I don't believe he would have told me as he never expected to get "caught." At that time our marriage was not in a good place and I was really hurt that he would go out and do that, particularly as we had never talked about such a scenario. As far as I was concerned at that time, it was over. Well, on two occasions thereafter, he snuck over to their place to fuck his wife again, and I later found out that the guy sucked his dick at least on one occasion. He snuck back over there on two occasions while I was at work and in the morning. To make a long story short, we finally got our marriage back on track, or so I thought. Prior to that I tried to be open and ask if I could meet them, and initially he said that they would like to meet me. Then he says that well, the guy has porn on all the time he's there, and "I'm a man and I can handle it." WTF? Then he says "you wouldn't like them." WTF? Then he says "I don't want to see you with the guy." So I said, well, then I don't want you with his fucking wife! This is not about sex per se, I have been more than comfortable and cool with it in the past e.g. he recently spent the night with a girl he met on the road who was here on vacation and we all had dinner together and I went home afterwards and he spent the night with her and I was totally fine with it. It is just this particular married couple that is bugging the shit out of me. I have seen as many as 17 to 30 text messages on the bill between them. He told me after we agreed on some kind of "veto power" if necessary, and he has essentially vetoed me, or at least expressed his dislike of the possibility of a certain situation. I am feeling as if my veto has no power, and I have seen their phone number popping up on the cell phone bill. If he had told them it was over, they would not still be contacting him, would they? He has never been really up front with me about these clowns and in the past two weeks it appears that they are texting him again, and it seems as though he is keeping them as some kind of option, and not telling me. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but now I just don't know what to do. I have dug into my feelings and it is not jealousy. It is the deception and the lies and the sly sneaking around which, even in an open relationship, is still in my opinion cheating. Anyhow, thanks for reading my babble
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I have an enlarged prostate BPH and I'm on medication for this condition - taking Avodart and Flomax. I've been on these meds for the last three years. Although my libido remains as high as ever, I have a very difficult time maintaining an erection. At night, I can't get erect at all. In the morning, I can, but it won't last. My urologist does not want me on viagra, cialis etc. given the BPH meds and a strong family history of heart problems. While I can pleasure my wife orally, and she enjoys it, she misses intercourse, as do I. About a year and a half ago my wife raised the idea of a trial separation. I asked why - why would we split up? She replied just so we could date other people. My response was why do we need to split up? I suggested that maybe what we needed was an open marriage. She changed the subject. In January of this year, my wife brought the idea up. She had talked to some friends of hers and they thought there was some merit in the idea of open marriage. We read up on the subject, and I agreed as a trial I would give her a free pass for the month of March - a month that she was scheduled to be out of Province a lot for her work. Long story short, she packed some rather sexy clothes and ended up making full use of her free pass. In April, we agreed to a one year trial open marriage. So far, I am enjoying it. There is no pressure on me to satisfy my wife. She is being satisfied, and I find the idea of her with other men erotic. She has two men, one in Halifax, the other in Ottawa. This works well as she often travels to these cities as a result of her work. Both are married, in open marriages, and I have talked to them and their wives to verify this. The funny thing is, with the pressure to perform lifted off my shoulders, I actually kind of enjoy my impotence. I can still orgasm and give and receive pleasure. This past weekend, my wife and I were talking and my wife was wondering if we could move things along so she could have a 'local' FWB. I said, why not, along as we follow the rules - married, open marriage, his wife is OK with it. She had already lined up such a guy! However, his wife and I met for coffee on Monday and she has taken a real shine to me and I to her. I explained to her that I have ED, but she says we could have lots of fun anyway. So, it looks like I may be having a date too!
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Hi guys, It's been about a year since really visiting. Last summer while my wife was in a theatre production we flirted with the idea of getting a girlfriend for me that would be my sexual outlet, she was also training for work and was too tired to have sex. We thought about it and talked and talked and had some very passionate sex after long conversations about being with others. Fast forward about a year and the same situation arose. This time I'm actually considering it, I have done a lot of self discovery in the last year and we have grown as a couple and now she's really eager for me to find someone. She truly believes that this is what's right because she is so absent, I also think it would help me deal with my high libido. Ideally the girl would become a certain buddy of mine who would also have sex with my wife when she wants. I know of two couples who have done this with success because of an absent or libido-less partner. What I would like to know if this is too much too fast and if we are potentially overlooking something? I'm going to do some more research on approaching potential girls and also ask that anyone who is familiar with this post their experiences as well.
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Wife and I started out swinging about 13 years ago, but it was just so hard finding a couple that we both were into, that we evolved into just playing separately most of the time. Just wondering how others got into it? Did you start out with open relationship? Or something else like our situation?
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This was posted in the another thread and it made me think. Does engaging in swinging and/or polyamory and/or another version of nonmonogamy increase a relationship's likelihood of failing? I personally think it depends on your definition of a "failed relationship." Did a relationship fail because it ended? Or does a relationship only fail when it existed for no reason? All but one of my romantic relationships have ended. Do I consider them failures? Only one, and that was because I never really cared for the person and only entered the relationship because I didn't want to be alone. Every other relationship I have learned from and grown because of. I count these as successful life experiences, even if they couldn't last until they day I die. I also think that the reason we see more and more relationships within the swinging community fail is because people enter into it for the wrong reasons. People see to think "I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse, so I'm going to convince him/her to let me fuck other people so that I don't have to cheat and/or get a divorce." This is a just a recipe for disaster. Broken relationship + more people =/= Fixed relationship. I've found that the couples who have entered into swinging as something they are mutually interested in (not one person just going along with it - both people actively interested) stay close and remain loving, intimate couples. The people who enter it with vastly different expectations, desires, and attitudes tend to fail. Just something that got me thinking... What do ya'll think?
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Many couples within the swinging lifestyle are adamant about always swinging together, no exceptions. In fact, we're one of them. However, if one partner were to become physically incapable of having sex, due to illness, paralysis, etc., would that partner give their spouse permission to seek physical gratification outside the marriage, provided it was done discreetly? We've discussed it here, and the answer is yes. Just wondered how others who never separate felt about it.
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Do you tell your sexual partners about your open marriage?
Oleg&Lena posted a topic in Swinging Solo
I have a question for couples who have or had open marriage. Do you let your sexual partners know about your open relationships in marriage? And why do you do so? How did your sexual partners take it?
