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Does your significant other go wild with strangers more than with you? There are more than a few posts around here that it seems (from the posts) that some SO’s find telling the world and their SO’s that this stranger's cock is amazing and/or the best sex they have had based on the size and skill of it, or they actively go looking for a dick that is way bigger then their SO's - what message do you send to them (your SO) and do they just say it's ok because now you have made a statement that they can never be as good as this stranger - can you tell? I find this rather distasteful to say the least. I can not even think when I would ever say that a chick I had sex with was better than my own wife - different yes, better no way. Also if you cannot give your SO your best performance at home then what is the problem? I know many will disagree with my viewpoint and that's fine with me, but I think your sex life should be better at home by miles than with someone you may of just met. Regards.

I have been asked by a large popular magazine to comment on the number of people that drop out of swinging and the reasons why. Although I do I know a few couples that have quit swinging, I would like to ask if you either know people that are no longer swinging (and why), or if you you ever thought that you may drop out (and why). I would appreciate any feedback or commentary.

I am very new to all of this, so please be patient with me. My wife and I have only talked about swinging a few times and we are unsure that this is something we would want to do. One of the reasons I would like to experience this is to find out something about myself. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. I have not been with many women, since we married at a young age. I have had some performance issues in the bedroom lately and she has mentioned that I must be getting bored of her. I don't feel like I am, it could be just my age, but truely don't know. I want to try being with someone else to see if there is something to what she is saying. My question is: Is this a bad reason to get into Swinging? I want to clarify to everyone that I am VERY happy with my wife, she is my lover, my best friend, and the mother of my children, but adding a little spice to our life might not be such a bad thing.

Hi folks... The Husband and I haven't been on a while, sorting things out and deciding where we needed to go next. We were swinging up until December and pretty active when complications evolved and we both stepped back to take a good look at things... and have since decided this is not the permanent road for us. Me probably more surely than the mister... he recently thought "Maybe we could do it again in a few years" as recently as mid-February... Grrrrr... so we are STILL having complications from this lifestyle, though working hard to get past some things and integrate its lessons. My biological clock is tickin' and my little one's turning three soon, and I've really wanted to expand our family but unfortunately, that's another thing on hold as we try and move out of the aftershocks of our experiences last Fall. Take heart, newbies! I have been so wanting to forget things that I wasn't going to come back... unfortunately I keep getting chased in my dreams so I think there's something I needed to come back and do. Closure, I suppose? I might reflect what some other woman is thinking, and I might be able to give a man insight into their wife's heart. Who knows. I do know that even though people experience very painful things with this lifestyle, they often just keep on going, turned on and probably not thinking right. So while there are many couples who apparently make swinging work for them, the advice here is great, the people here are supportive, and communication is an absolute MUST.... sometimes you can talk all damn day and you're just speaking Greek while they're in Chinese. You can translate all day... but something gets lost along the way. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? What I've Learned: 1) Follow your gut. No negotiating. This is, as far as I'm concerned, the most important factor. My first and second reaction to Husband's prodding to look at this lifestyle were very negative, and came straight from my instincts, which, if you believe in the subconscious, indicates what are our deepest, truest feelings. By his third shot... I negotiated the idea. Yes, You Who Want To Swing have the right to nicely ask, and to gently suggest, and timidly quote... blah, blah, blah... we've all read the advice. But pressure is pressure by any other name. It was obviously boring at home for him, and I felt threatened, and more open to suggestion. It has also been accurately said here that feelings cannot be rationalized, and I'm in that camp. I have never been a shrinking violet, was always the "aggressor" in getting a date... even when swinging I was the lead. I speak up in meetings at work... that's the mask I wear to the world. I am fearless. And yes, the first two times he brought it up I gave him a predictably negative, emotional response. I guess he just thought I was so "tough" that I could handle it. But where there is a hard shell there is a soft bodied interior. I suppose he was just trying to wear me down or de-sensitize me or something, but I don't think Husband accurately determined how sensitive the ego is, and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice or do for my marriage when I felt truly threatened, emotionally threatened, however primitive or insecure that makes me. I love my husband. And I don't think he anticipated the changes that came with that, because as we went on, I got more comfortable with it while he was having a more and more difficult time with it--specifically, watching me. So guys, if you are the guy trying to convince your wife... you are best advised that there is something to be given up for every pleasure you attain. And you cannot anticipate them, neither one of you... I mean we are talking about sex, love and spouses--it's a veritable minefield. 2) As we got into things, even different situations... it began to lose its "shine." It really began to be like a drug. An addiction. We keep upping the ante, and looking for more. It was consuming our lives... it took over our hobbies. We were obsessed with sex! Tired and slacking at work. The positive is that we had a shared hobby that we were having fun with together.... well, you can accomplish that with racketball. We both agreed that you Are what you Do. And we both began asking ourselves, "What do I want to go to my grave saying I accomplished? That I f--ked a lot?" I guess one could say we could just slow it down and do it every once in a while... but we both found it takes a certain mindset that is hard to take on and off at will and that's why it becomes a "lifestyle." 3) We both found ourselves asking; When the door of possibility is open to sleep with other people, and suddenly the whole world becomes a playground... what makes me so special? The kids? The house? The laundry? Yes, the person who will clean up your puke and bring you soup when you're sick is priceless... but are they sexy? Is that whose pants you can't wait to get into, that you're working so hard to get into, on Saturday night? Shouldn't it be? I began to think about all the time and work and effort we were putting into swinging, time we were spending together, but ultimately I couldn't get away from the fact that it was so he could wet his willy somewhere else... how ironic is that? I felt like I was living in Bizarro world. As much as you are in it together, there is still the goal of at some point getting it on with OTHERS (and yes sometimes I was as excited about the other people, too), and I just really wondered how great our relationship would be if we spent that effort on each other, exclusively, instead. 4) This lifestyle is very much connected to earthly pleasures... the ego. It is very much about power... shared power, relented control, taking control-- how you share it in a partnership... and of course I have always been fascinated by the subject of power, and what it means to really have it truly, personally. I gained a lot of satisfaction from putting on the Venus role for a while. What woman doesn't want to be Venus, even for a while? And guys too... come on, who doesn't want to be Eros, or Mars? (sorry, I'm an archetypist!) Becoming a swinger is like big ole bottle of Insta-Sex Star... as others have surmised even here, it's like being yours or your spouse's personal porn star. It was a potent elixir... it made me feel powerful. But when I really looked at things, it wasn't where I wanted to be powerful. Again, going back to archetypes and my goddess shit... at the end of the day, I want to be Penelope, not Circe; Demeter, not Aphrodite (though husband insists she is part of my make-up . Venus is, after all, the Pantheon representative of infidelity, and venereal disease. In my heart, there is something to Virtue and Value and being the Only One that appeals to me. In guy language... I'd rather be a proudly owned Mercedes than a Beamer rental any day of the week. You can take the girl out of the South... but you can't take the Southern Belle outta the girl. My pussy is regal and you're lucky to get past the front door. 5) As far as the moral in sharing... I share a lot of things. I share my time with people I like, I watch my friends' kids, I give my hands in donation to a local environmental cause, and when there's a smoking circle going down, I'm happy to share my stash. But sharing my husband? How much are we really asking, here? I remember hearing a quote once that went, "You can go one place with a hundred people, or a hundred places with one person." And you make a choice about that. Well, I didn't have any delusions the day I married about making this person the One. In a very base way, it broke my heart for him to ask to be with others... just the suggestion. Just the truly desired thought on his part. The act for me, then, could never really be destroyed until I went to meet it. And generally... my preferences in life, something I conveniently thought I could change or rationalize, has always, always been depth of experience, not breadth. On a trip through Europe with friends five years ago, I was the person (and Husband) who chose to spend nine days in Amsterdam soaking up the city, seeing the Van Gogh and the Anne Frank house and sailing the canals, while my friends hopped through four different cities, losing luggage, getting kicked out of cabs and generally having an otherwise shitty time. Quality over quantity, I will choose it every time. The moral being, please look at the overall fabric of your life before going down this path. We both kept finding that the best sex was *always* with each other... so what were we looking for? 6) There are things in this lifestyle that hurt, pure and simple. One of the main problems is jealousy... hurt... pain... and those who struggle with it--it comes up over and over again. I did, my husband did with me. Yet, even as I pored over all the threads of this site last fall, I couldn't help but wonder.... why? Why keep on? And, as literary as she usually isn't... a lyric by Madonna popped into my head; "Pain is a warning that something's wrong." And I know that what I did, and maybe what other women *might* be inclined to do... is numb yourself. To talk yourself down out of that emotion. It may be right for some people, or maybe those two are more easily extricated for others... but separating love and sex to such an extent and degree that you just don't even care anymore... well, it bothered me. And look... pain is a warning to take your friggin' hand out of the fire. Without that feedback... you can really hurt yourself. And this lifestyle is, as many have said, "Purification by Fire." 7) Religion... well I am a pagan but I have a big thing for Mary Magdalene, having grown up as a child of the Christian Church (and I bring this up b/c there are threads here of how people see swinging spiritually) and finally coming back around to her story, being so popular in culture right now. Strong, intelligent, Christian women identify a lot with Mary M. these days because she adds the Sexual element to the Holy. I got away from the Holy part. While I don't see swinging or open marriage as something I would ever advocate, I am not going to stop anyone for whom it works. All I want is the room to live my archetype. And I have been trying so hard to re-claim both the archetypal "Whore" and "Mother" in one being, in my own home, in my life... that I forgot the core of a few things about Mary M.... she was never really a whore, and when she was, it was to one, very special man. 'Nuff said Sincerely, Tempest